So You Think You Can Dance?!

I recently went Salsa dancing for the very first time.  I'll be the first one to say, I was terrible at it.  Probably still not that good, but with time and several dance partners trying their hardest to teach me the steps, I did get a little better!  

Being in a season of learning submission and living by faith more so now than ever before, I had a spiritual moment while learning all of these different dances... (Salsa, the tango, the cha-cha, and the rumba.)  Oh yes!  I was branching out, no dropping it like it was hot at the Salsa Club.  They're all about moving those hips!  

With each partner that tried teaching me a different dance, I realized a couple things.  When you don't know the steps, following is essential.  When following a move and you're not sure what move is next it's extremely hard to look down at your feet and keep up with your partner.  How do I compare this to submission and faith?  Well, being a female I'm called to submit to my husband.  In my case, we'll say my 'future husband'.  As I was dancing with my partners, I realized what it was like in the natural to allow the man to lead.  Each guy had complete control over me as he guided my every move.  Whether he was pulling me in, pushing me out, or twirling me in circles, I followed where he led. 

Dancing by faith... I may not have known the steps to the dance, but as I learned and as I followed his move I wanted to follow him because I knew he wasn't going to let me fall on my face.  During parts of the dances, I would want to look down at my feet to make sure I was making the right steps.  Every time I looked down, my partner would say, 'Hey!  Look up!  Don't look down at your feet, you'll mess up!'  Which reminded me a lot in retrospect to my relationship with God.  I normally have no idea where God is leading me, but when I hang on tight and allow Him to pull me in to Him, He leads me exactly where He wants me to go. When I look down and doubt where God is leading me, I fall on my face every time.  Thankfully He is always there to pick me back up... He never leaves me or forsakes me regardless of how big or small my faith is! 


With all of this said, I'm believing that when God does bring me my husband, I'll be ready to submit and follow his lead.  It's so incredible to me how God will speak in the most unique ways.  What He's been teaching me in the spiritual was shown to me in the act of dancing in the physical.  My God never ceases to amaze me!  




  
 

Believing for my harvest...

Psalm 126:5-6 says, Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.  They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.

The last 4 months have been some of the most difficult times I have ever faced spiritually and emotionally.  I was a co-leader for LIFE this spring for the very first time and let me tell you, I had no idea God was going to take me through such a 'process'.  I didn't realize it till about 3 weeks before LIFE was over with, but it was a 'process' of sanctification.  It was a time of God molding and shaping my character into being who He created me to be.  He taught me the importance of submission and most importantly, He taught me, or is still in the process of teaching me, how to live by faith, not by sight. 

I'm a very visual person.  I used to be a 0 to 60, fix it girl, if you want it - get it... until Jesus slowed me down and started teaching me how to take steps 1 through 59.  During this time there were a LOT and I do mean a LOT of tears.  Sometimes I knew why I was crying, but sometimes I didn't.  It was hard.  There were times I thought I'm not doing this anymore.  I'm ready to throw in the towel.  It was during those times when Papa God showed Himself so real and true to me.  It was during those times where I could feel Him wrap His arms around me and love me despite of my short comings and my fear of the unknown. 

Once we made it to LIFE Retreat everything suddenly made sense.  God healed my heart and He brought me to a place of complete trust and faith in Him.  No more doubting.  No more second guessing.  No more worrying.  It's a place I've never been before.  A place where He says, give me your whole heart... Trust me... And watch what I will do.  One of my best friends texted me the verse in Psalm 126 yesterday.  It brought tears to my eyes knowing that God is so faithful in His word.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that through the seeds of tears I sowed, He will bring me my joyful harvest. 

His JOY is my strength!!!

Just A Thought...

I had a thought this week... For as far back as I can remember, I've always been extremely negative towards myself when it comes to my body and how I look... Whether it's being a certain size... or being a specific weight.  I can't even count how many times I've thought, 'UGH! I hate my thighs.' Or... 'Why do I have to have such a ghetto booty?'  Or... 'How did I miss out on getting some ta-ta's?'  My list of  'I hate this or that' about my body could seriously go on and on, but I'm stopping here.

My thought was this:  I bet it hurts God's feelings so bad when He hears me say these things about one of His many creations.  I really can't imagine creating 'something or someone' and then hear that person or thing talk crap about my creation as if I really wasn't listening.  I can see myself being so hurt and offended hearing that person say things like that.  I know how upset and hurt I feel when I cook or bake something and someone doesn't like it.  I usually cry.  Literally cry.  I have no idea why I'm just now coming to this conclusion, but I'm thankful I have.  I know everyone has done this and it probably isn't a big deal to most people, but I really felt bad when I thought about all the things I used to want to change about my body.  I could see God sitting on His throne, looking down at me and thinking, 'Really, Whit?  Why do you not want to be unique in your own skin?  Why do you want to look like everyone else?  Why do you not like My creation?  Why are you so worried about what other people think of you?  I am the only one who matters!!!'

I'm a strong believer when it comes to exercising and eating healthy.  Our body is the temple and I know God wants us to take care of it to the best of our ability.  We only get this one life to live, so let's protect it and keep it healthy, right?!  My weight and appearance have always been something I've struggled with.  I've always felt like I was never pretty enough.  Or I didn't have the right attributes that guys like in a girl.  Insecurity has been an issue in my life for as far back as I can remember. 

Just this week I gave room for the enemy to come in and attack my mind.  I was at a church service this week, a guy (that I thought was totally HOT) was there that I met several weeks ago.  He came up and spoke to me, and said, 'Hey!  It's ummm, Whitney? Right?'  I nodded, gave a slight smile, if you really wanna call it that, because at that very second I thought, 'Oh my gosh, he didn't even remember me?'  Whitney, right?  Really?  My mind is in full speed at this point and my thoughts are literally everywhere.  Yep, I went there.  I let my mind go to that place.  The place where my thoughts are out of control.  The place where the enemy is whispering thoughts like... 'What is it going to take for a great Christian guy to notice me, muchless remember me?  Am I that unfortunate looking?  Or I just don't have one of those memorable, pretty faces?'  I let these thoughts go on in my head for several minutes until finally I wake up, back into reality and remembered one of my most favorite things ever.  Regardless of what anyone else says or thinks about me, God says that I AM FEARFULLY & WONDERFULLY MADE.  I AM HIS MASTERPIECE.  I WAS MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD.  

It would've made my day if Mr. Hotness had actually remembered me.  It really would've made my day if he had even acted interested, but more than anything I'm so happy to know that my Heavenly Father, my Creator, and my Savior has never left me or forsaken me.  In my loneliest times I am reminded that He remembers me daily.  Because daily He reminds me of his love and grace every time I read His word or feel His presence. 

Psalm 139 is probably one of my favorite chapters in the whole Bible.  Verses 15-18 says, My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.  Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.  And in your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.  How precious are your thoughts to me, O God!  How great is the sum of them!  If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand. 

How amazing is that!  I don't know about you, but ain't no man out there ever said anything like that to me!  Thank you Lord for creating me in your image.  Thank you for loving me even when I think thoughts or talk smack about your creation.  I love you with all my heart... You're always waiting with arms open wide from me!

Acceptance...

I've had the story of Jacob on my mind for a couple weeks now.  The last blog I wrote had a story about Jacob and his love for Rachel and how Leah felt so unloved.  I haven't been able to get this story out of my head. 

I really believe one of the reasons this story has stuck with me for so long is because 'Leah' reminds me so much of myself.  God gave her 3 kids before she realized that it didn't matter if Jacob ever accepted her.  God was trying so hard to show her that HE accepted her and that HE was all she needed.  Genesis 29:35 says, 'And she conceived again, and bore a son, and said, "NOW I will praise the Lord." Therefore she called his name Judah (which means Praise).  Then she stopped bearing. 

Looking back on my life, I think about so many times where all I wanted was to be accepted or to be loved.  I hate to give any kind of credit to the devil, but he is really good at what he does.  He knows exactly how to make you feel to get your mind off the blessings of God and put your thoughts on earthly things.  He knows what your issues are.  He knows what your struggles are.  He knows how to whisper those soft little words in your head that make you feel like you'll never achieve anything or be what you know God has called you to do.  Whether I wanted acceptance with my job, with a boyfriend, or just my family and friends in general, I was never really satisfied because none of my hope was in God.  My hope was always in other people or things.  I've definitely had to learn the hard way that people and things only leave you unsatisfied.  I still get lonely at times and I often wonder what God is up to.  But I am finally at a place in my life where I'm happy in knowing that for the first time in 7 years I'm walking toward my calling.  I'm walking in freedom and forgiveness and no one can take that away from me.

When my Life Group started in September, I went in on that very first night with the mind set of "God, I've lost all hope in my life.  If you can't change me through this group, I don't know what I'm going to do.  If you can't get all the junk out of my life and turn my life around for your glory, I'm giving up.  I'm tired of fighting.  I'm tired of trying to change on my own.  I can't do this without you anymore."  We're 10 weeks in to this semester now.  It's been the most radical, life changing thing I've EVER gone through.  I honestly don't even know 'me' anymore.  God has done things in my heart that I couldn't have ever dreamed of.  It hasn't been an easy process.  It's been a hard fight, but a fight worth fighting for.  I feel like every week that goes by I'm fighting new devils.  Every week has been a struggle to keep my head up and not feel defeated.  I have to constantly remind myself: I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR.

I'm reminded of Jacob again when he wrestled with God.  He said, "I won't let go until you bless me."  So from here on out, whatever I'm going through, whatever struggles I'm dealing with, whatever it may be - I'm not letting go of God's promises.  I'm not letting go of His blessings.  I'm going to live my life with the knowledge that I am accepted, loved, favored, freed, and forgiven by my Heavenly Father; nothing or no one else matters. 

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am His masterpiece. 

'Seven'

I've been watching Pastor Steven Furtick's new series online called 'Scarecrow in a Melon Patch'.  The purpose of this series is to restore God's rightful role and put all other things in their proper place in your life.  This weeks title was called 'Siamese Scarecrows'.  He talked a lot about how biblical families and modern day (our) families are very similar in the disfunction we tend to carry around.  I've read the Bible through several times, but never really thought about how disfunctional Jacob's life was...

Genesis 25:27 says, "Afterward his brother came out, and his hand took hold of Esau's heel; so his name was called Jacob.  From the very beginning Jacob's entire life was all about trying to obtain a blessing.  He stole his brother's birthright, then fell in love with his uncle's daughter, Rachel.  He committed to working '7' years to marry Rachel, but on his wedding night, he was tricked by his Uncle Laban and ended up with the not so beautiful, older sister, Leah.  He worked another '7' years and was finally given his one true love, Rachel.

Over the last few weeks, I've been hearing the number 7 in my mind.  It wasn't an audible voice, but I knew it was something I needed to be aware of.  I'm not one that knows all the meanings of the different numbers.  It really hasn't ever interested me to be quite honest.  I had no idea that the meaning of the number 7 is perfection; completeness; signifies giving your life to something.  As I was thinking about this number and it's meaning I realized that '7' years ago was really when I completely turned my back on God.  I knew that when I didn't go back to Master's Commission for a second year (like I knew I was supposed to), I changed the course of my life by that one act of disobedience.  I later allowed bitterness and anger in my heart due to my parents divorce.  Then followed by my earthly father turning his back and not having anything to do with us.

Genesis 29 talks about Leah and how she felt when she realized Jacob loved her sister Rachel more than he loved her.  God saw that she was not loved, so He opened up her womb.  Three baby boy's later and Jacob was still head over heels in love with Rachel, the barren sister.  Makes me wonder what Rachel looked like.  We know she was beautiful, but did she have inner beauty as well?  Was she a God fearing woman?  What was it about her that stole Jacob's heart?  Why couldn't Jacob love both of them?

I started thinking about my life and how during these 7 years I was all about me.  I put my hope in everything but God to get me past all the crap I had been through.  I looked for love in all the wrong places.  I did anything and everything to try my hardest to make 'me' happy.  But in the long run it only made me more miserable than I was before.  Just like Leah, all I wanted was approval and love.  But because I put God aside, I never found it.  I'm re-learning that when you put your hope in anything other than God, you get 'Leah', not Rachel.  In other words, you're still unsatisfied with your life. 

During the last 8 weeks, I've been going through a Life Group.  I had no idea how messed up I really was.  I had no idea how fast God was going to get all the junk out of my life and really give me a new hunger and thirst for more of him.  I had no idea that I would be seeking him and actually allowing him to have full authority over my life. I had no idea my passion for missions would come back in my heart.  If it wasn't for God's sacrificial love and His approval towards ME, I really don't know where I would be right now?  Physically, I would be in Alabama.  Mentally, I'm thinking more messed up than I ever want to know.  Spiritually, living a life of luke warmness and thinking I was really going to make it to Heaven.

I heard a song that said, "God, you lifted me out and I'll tell all the world."  I'm so thankful that He cares and loves me so much.  He came down from Heaven to po-dunk Alabama and lifted me out of my misery.  He gave me life again.  He's given me a new beginning and a new hope.  Who am I that HE is mindful of me?!  I'm forever thankful.  I'll never be the same.  For the first time in 7 years I'm looking forward to my future.  I can't wait to see where God leads me 7 years from now! 

*God, you lifted me out and I'll tell all the world*

Isolation...

I really have no idea why I decided to start a blog?  I feel like my life is on a roller coaster right now and perhaps writing how I feel from day to day, or even week to week will help me make it through this 'isolation' that I feel.  I'm hoping that in some round about way it'll help me get things off my chest... Maybe it'll teach me something new about myself... Or maybe even help someone out if they happen to read it.  So here goes!

I've been through quite a lot in the last 7 years.  I've done a whole lot of living and definitely did a whole lot of learning.  I'm realizing now that after so many years of having so many ups and downs, God allowed my life to become so miserable, through all the sin that I was living in, that there was no where else to turn except to turn back towards Him.  So FINALLY after months and months of fighting it, I gave my life back to Jesus and opened my heart up to Him in a way that only He could fix all the brokeness, bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness that I have carried for so many years. 

I won't lie.  It's been a hard road to ride down.  As I started going back to church, I began praying and reading my Bible again.  I also started reading different books that helped me learn 'new' things about myself. Some things I knew already, but it was a good reminder of what I was raised to believe in.  I realized quickly that I had been an 'Athiest Christian' for many years.  Being an Athiest Christian totally sounds like an oximoron, I know, but it's true.  Being an Athiest Christian is believing in God, but living as if He doesn't exist.  The book has a lot of different ways to describe this way of living, but the ones that were relevant to me were the following:  I believe in God; I believe he sent his son to die for me and cleanse me from my sin.  BUT I don't have faith in God to do this _____... Or I don't need to be apart of a church because I already believe in God, they don't need me there.  Or I'm going to live my life the way 'I' want to regardless of how God wants me to.  The book "The Athiest Christian" was a huge part in changing my life and bringing me back to the place I longed for.  The place where I could feel the Presence of God. The place where I could hear His voice again, even when it wasn't audible, I knew it was my Savior.  The place where nothing else mattered - all I needed was to know He would bring me through anything. Because with Him, ALL things are possible.

So I'm at a place now where I feel like I'm in total isolation. I've had some lonely times in my life. Times where I felt like no one was there for me or no one cared what I was feeling and going through.  But nothing, I mean nothing, has ever compared to loneliness like this.  I don't understand it right now and that's probably one of the hardest parts.  All I know to do is pray.  Pray that I don't miss whatever it is that God's trying to teach me right now.  Daily I'm reminded that no matter how I feel, He is all I need.  I stand on the promises of God daily and believe with all my heart that when I draw nearer to HIM, He will draw near to me.  When I seek Him, I will find Him and He will give me the desires of my heart.  Because over time His desires become MY desires.  

When I'm weak, His joy is my strength.