I've had the story of Jacob on my mind for a couple weeks now. The last blog I wrote had a story about Jacob and his love for Rachel and how Leah felt so unloved. I haven't been able to get this story out of my head.
I really believe one of the reasons this story has stuck with me for so long is because 'Leah' reminds me so much of myself. God gave her 3 kids before she realized that it didn't matter if Jacob ever accepted her. God was trying so hard to show her that HE accepted her and that HE was all she needed. Genesis 29:35 says, 'And she conceived again, and bore a son, and said, "NOW I will praise the Lord." Therefore she called his name Judah (which means Praise). Then she stopped bearing.
Looking back on my life, I think about so many times where all I wanted was to be accepted or to be loved. I hate to give any kind of credit to the devil, but he is really good at what he does. He knows exactly how to make you feel to get your mind off the blessings of God and put your thoughts on earthly things. He knows what your issues are. He knows what your struggles are. He knows how to whisper those soft little words in your head that make you feel like you'll never achieve anything or be what you know God has called you to do. Whether I wanted acceptance with my job, with a boyfriend, or just my family and friends in general, I was never really satisfied because none of my hope was in God. My hope was always in other people or things. I've definitely had to learn the hard way that people and things only leave you unsatisfied. I still get lonely at times and I often wonder what God is up to. But I am finally at a place in my life where I'm happy in knowing that for the first time in 7 years I'm walking toward my calling. I'm walking in freedom and forgiveness and no one can take that away from me.
When my Life Group started in September, I went in on that very first night with the mind set of "God, I've lost all hope in my life. If you can't change me through this group, I don't know what I'm going to do. If you can't get all the junk out of my life and turn my life around for your glory, I'm giving up. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying to change on my own. I can't do this without you anymore." We're 10 weeks in to this semester now. It's been the most radical, life changing thing I've EVER gone through. I honestly don't even know 'me' anymore. God has done things in my heart that I couldn't have ever dreamed of. It hasn't been an easy process. It's been a hard fight, but a fight worth fighting for. I feel like every week that goes by I'm fighting new devils. Every week has been a struggle to keep my head up and not feel defeated. I have to constantly remind myself: I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR.
I'm reminded of Jacob again when he wrestled with God. He said, "I won't let go until you bless me." So from here on out, whatever I'm going through, whatever struggles I'm dealing with, whatever it may be - I'm not letting go of God's promises. I'm not letting go of His blessings. I'm going to live my life with the knowledge that I am accepted, loved, favored, freed, and forgiven by my Heavenly Father; nothing or no one else matters.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am His masterpiece.
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