I really have no idea why I decided to start a blog? I feel like my life is on a roller coaster right now and perhaps writing how I feel from day to day, or even week to week will help me make it through this 'isolation' that I feel. I'm hoping that in some round about way it'll help me get things off my chest... Maybe it'll teach me something new about myself... Or maybe even help someone out if they happen to read it. So here goes!
I've been through quite a lot in the last 7 years. I've done a whole lot of living and definitely did a whole lot of learning. I'm realizing now that after so many years of having so many ups and downs, God allowed my life to become so miserable, through all the sin that I was living in, that there was no where else to turn except to turn back towards Him. So FINALLY after months and months of fighting it, I gave my life back to Jesus and opened my heart up to Him in a way that only He could fix all the brokeness, bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness that I have carried for so many years.
I won't lie. It's been a hard road to ride down. As I started going back to church, I began praying and reading my Bible again. I also started reading different books that helped me learn 'new' things about myself. Some things I knew already, but it was a good reminder of what I was raised to believe in. I realized quickly that I had been an 'Athiest Christian' for many years. Being an Athiest Christian totally sounds like an oximoron, I know, but it's true. Being an Athiest Christian is believing in God, but living as if He doesn't exist. The book has a lot of different ways to describe this way of living, but the ones that were relevant to me were the following: I believe in God; I believe he sent his son to die for me and cleanse me from my sin. BUT I don't have faith in God to do this _____... Or I don't need to be apart of a church because I already believe in God, they don't need me there. Or I'm going to live my life the way 'I' want to regardless of how God wants me to. The book "The Athiest Christian" was a huge part in changing my life and bringing me back to the place I longed for. The place where I could feel the Presence of God. The place where I could hear His voice again, even when it wasn't audible, I knew it was my Savior. The place where nothing else mattered - all I needed was to know He would bring me through anything. Because with Him, ALL things are possible.
So I'm at a place now where I feel like I'm in total isolation. I've had some lonely times in my life. Times where I felt like no one was there for me or no one cared what I was feeling and going through. But nothing, I mean nothing, has ever compared to loneliness like this. I don't understand it right now and that's probably one of the hardest parts. All I know to do is pray. Pray that I don't miss whatever it is that God's trying to teach me right now. Daily I'm reminded that no matter how I feel, He is all I need. I stand on the promises of God daily and believe with all my heart that when I draw nearer to HIM, He will draw near to me. When I seek Him, I will find Him and He will give me the desires of my heart. Because over time His desires become MY desires.
When I'm weak, His joy is my strength.
